Managing Grief

The past few weeks have seen several friends and distant family members dealing with the loss of treasured friends and family.  I was drawn to say something about dealing with grief, something I understand after losing a husband and my parents.  Nothing can prepare you for the huge vacuum left by the loss of a loved one, and the way it impacts individuals is very different, so there is no simple formula to help you manage your feelings. 

In whatever form grief takes, it is unbelievably difficult to deal with, both tragedy and trauma. Unfortunately, it is an inevitable part of our journey through life and the natural cycle of our existence.   It can be the death of a beloved partner, either after a long illness or suddenly and entirely unexpectedly. Each has its own set of issues, such as seeing a partner suffer, which makes you relieved that they are out of the suffering and guilt because, indirectly, you have welcomed their passing.

With a sudden death, there are often so many things left unsaid, especially in the terrible circumstances of parting on an argument. Or it could be after a relationship break-up, where your partner, home, and way of life have suddenly changed. Everything you loved and probably spent many years building is no longer part of your life. You feel like a ship that has been cast adrift or an island completely isolated from everything and everyone. It is so easy to brand yourself as different, almost like wearing a badge saying, ‘I was recently cheated on’, ‘I am recently bereaved’, and imagine that everyone is looking at you, watching what they say, or even not knowing what to say.  You experience walking down the street, crying, or sitting alone in a coffee shop for hours, almost paralysed to move on. Constantly questioning yourself,is it possible to navigate a way through this darkness?

Your sense of belonging has disappeared, and everything about your world has changed. Often, at these times, there is a mountain of administrative tasks to attend to, such as planning or searching for alternative accommodations, and this monopolises every spare bit of energy you have.

It’s okay to feel sad or miserable, even angry. Many people talk about the stages you go through in the Bereavement Curve or Change Curve. You process each stage and recognise the emotions you are experiencing at that time. Often, this can be relayed to you by well-meaning friends as if to give you a checklist of where you are in the process. Everyone is unique and must make sense of their grief in their way, not be governed by a timeline. Others seek spiritual support from established religions or spiritualist mediums, looking for answers, or view every time a feather or a robin crosses their path as a sign from the other side.   Part of this is about accepting where you are with your feelings, recognising them and working with what you have.  It’s not about wallowing in the emotion of it or trying to prolong how you’re feeling, but instead providing reassurance that you will get through this pain and that the burdensome weight will diminish. 

There is no set timeframe for how long each stage lasts, nor is there a guarantee that you will experience each stage.  Everyone responds in their unique way, and it could be that for you, the grief never seems to go away, or you are struggling to function in everyday matters. Watching TV or engaging in silly everyday things can make you cry for no reason, and then your thoughts immediately drift back to how things could have been different, and you regret angry words or not going on holiday.

How do you get out of bed in the morning and go about your daily routine? It starts with re-learning to love yourself and not feel guilty.  Enjoy even the basic things, like making tea or waiting for a bus.  Understand what makes you happy, rediscover your passion, and cherish it. Perhaps it’s the holiday you’ve always wished for or the outlandish pair of shoes that make you smile – all the things that were put on the back burner because life got in the way. Love yourself and know that nothing you can do will change the situation; you have done everything possible, so now move forward. 

The pain and uncertainty pass, but this is an opportunity to discover the real you that may have been hiding. Reconnect with your soul and embrace the freedom, whilst giving thanks for the wonderful times you shared.